I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
