I like to think it a success when the cops are called
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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