Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
