It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
