Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
