i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
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