never play flip cup with pint glasses
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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