Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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