There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
