I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
If I die, sorry about rent.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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