Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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