I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
