Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
