I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Randomize
