My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
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