guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
You may now shotgun with the bride
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
