Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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