I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
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