i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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