i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Randomize
