my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Randomize
