I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
