You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Randomize
