Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
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