You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
