dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Randomize
