Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
