How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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