So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Randomize
