i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Randomize
