we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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