you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
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