plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
