Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
