i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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