Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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