you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize