Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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