Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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