I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
