Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
