That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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