I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
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