direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Randomize
