That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
