You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize