people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
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