my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
