are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
