Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Randomize
