1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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