I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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