guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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