Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
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