So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Randomize
