my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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