Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
